fuhh..!

wahlauwey..!!



the M-monster is way too overpowering!

sheeshh..

see, the thing with me is.. i've gotta WAIT to do something..

in other words.. PROCRASTINATE.. tsk! tsk! not good.. not good at all!!

coz when you wait.. time passes you by.. and you miss the opportunity to do what it was you intended to do in the beginning.. you follow?

well, that's just me being me again.. my reason for PROCRASTINATING is that i'd like to think that when 'the moment' arrives.. i should be able to do it PERFECTLY..!

yes.. a perfectionist, i am.. well, yeah.. nobody's PERFECT.. but i like to think that i do things to the utmost best of my own ability.. in other words.. as PERFECTLY as i can..! and gawd.. it's hard!! i can be my own worst critic, i tell ya..

when i was in school.. i used to tear out the pages when i thought my handwriting was messy or when i thought that it just wasn't neat enough!! my exercise books used to get soo uberly thin! other than that, i used to redo my work over and over again just to satisfy myself.. in uni, my friends would breeze through doing assignments.. but not me.. i had to go through sleepless nights and dictionaries AND thesauruses and everything else just to please myself.. not that i got excellent grades everytime.. IT WAS ALL JUST TO FULFILL MY NEED OF BEING.. PERFECT?

but.. nobody IS perfect.. so why do we try, huh?

of course.. it's coz we like to get praises for a job well done.. and when i say 'well done', i mean 'done well' or BREAKING MY BACK AND ALMOST LOSING MY MIND TO GET IT PURRFECTT!!

gawd.. i know, something is obviously wrong with me..

kantoi..!

oh gawd..!

i've been discovered!

by gie..! sheeett!

shy la!

am only just starting to loosen up and shake off the rust..!

aiya.. uwekk!

100%

eerrrkkkk..!
i've got the 'bloggers' block! or.. is it just the M-monster in me taking over.. (M for MALAS!!)?

my head is on the verge of going mental again la..

insignificant things.. things that i should SO not be bothered about..

insecurity.. doubt.. worry.. jealousy..??!!!

gawd.. i just can't deal with this anymore!!!

TGIF!

Mak's gonna be discharged today.. hope she recuperates well at our home..

Pot-luck at office means free flow of food n drinks! Yeehaa!! Dapatkan segera! Sementara stock masih ada..!! Ehehee..

Hmm.. serious, tak sangka my bday has passed.. 1 week dah.. tak rasa apa2 pun..?!? kinda sad.. with everything that's going on around us.. my 'big day' didn't really bring much meaning to anyone.. oh well.. that's the kid in me again.. dwelling on the little things.. i should stop doing that, and start to think seriously about the bigger n more important things in life right now!

Yes, we didn't go 'lancing' last friday.. after work, yayg's office held a raya dinner party, which i was invited to.. came back home at around 11pm.. and went 'lancing' in our dreams.. zzzz...

I think yayg is totally preoccupied with Mak and work.. it's not his fault.. still sorta sad tho.. like i said, my bday doesn't really mean anything to anyone but me i guess.. mmg mcm tuh ke? guess i just have to get used to it..

Last year.. no celebration or anything as well.. but yayang surprised me thoroughly with a bouquet of red roses delivered to my office!! never in my life have i been so pleasantly surprised!! then we went for dinner at secret recipe and i had a slice of cake.. i used to always say, "it's not a movie without popcorn, and not a birthday witout a cake.." Well, i had had my cake on monday the 6th.. double celebration with humairah.. but that was a double celebration! i want my own!! hehehe..

Last sunday's shoot.. the third one done at night.. was at this party shop.. and they had all sorts of party stuff.. banners, posters, signs, games, costumes, deco, cutlery.. u name it, they'll have it (probably!).. there were also some badges that read "It's My Birthday!".. sebak jek tengok sume benda2 tuh..

So.. this is it.. no more talk about an insignificant day that's passed already..

Till next year.. sighh..

clomid headache?

My sis-in-law had recommended me to see her doc, just a normal doc not a gynae specialist or anything, for a 'consultation'.. on clomid, to be exact..

So since I finished work REAL late on sunday, and I had to see to Abah and Tok Ba'ah since they were staying with me, plus yayang was away.. I decided to take monday off.. (macamla ofis tuh bapak aku punye, suke2 je nak 'take the day off'!).. We went to the hospital at around 9am.. after I had gone to the 'wet' market all by myself picking out 'barang2 basah' for the first time in my life!! When we reached the hospital, KakNom was already there.. landed from her 20hour flight from new york at 6am and sent straight to see Mak by her in-laws.. plus, my yayang had not left yet for work! My heart just went berbunga2 to get to see him before he'd leave for two nights! But, on the other hand, seeing mak's condition unchanged had cut my blooms short (is there such a saying?? Oh well, there's the poet in me!).. and it pained me so to see yayang burst into tears when he salam and cium mak before he left.. I can only be his pillar of strength.. eventhough this pillar may not be so strong itself..

So that afternoon.. 'askar jepun' ada mari.. and I told this fact sadly to my sis-in-law, who said I should go and see her doc.. It's primetime.. for clomid!! We'll see how it goes.. fingers crossed!

On Tuesday, I got an MC from KakHik's doc the day before, so I took Abah and Tok Ba'ah to the hospital once more.. Abah then went out with Abg Akim, and I left for home with Tok Ba'ah in tow.. That afternoon, surprise! surprise! Yayang balik!! yayy!!! I was jumping up and down only to realize that Tok Ba'ah was watching me! malu je.. *blush* .. mcm budak kecik! ha, see! there you go!! matured ke macam tuh??

ehehee..

c'est moi..

halu..! it's been four days since my last update.. well, when i'm away from the office, it means that i'm away from the internet too! after all, i have so much other things to do as compared to when i'm 'working' in the office.. heheh!

anyway.. here's a recap of what's happened the past four days..

saturday: after breakfast (at around 9am), we went to the hospital to visit mak who was at that time still rather weak.. we were all dressed up to attend acer n su'ai's wedding in ampangan straight after.. after the wedding, we went to ju's place for her open house and jumpa la all the sedare2 who were from makandak's open house.. then we came back to the hospital.. yayang wanted to wait for abah, who was on the way wit abg beka n anim, so he had 'instructed' me to return home first, wit siti, to get some rest as i'd be working the next day.. abah arrived at the hospital at around 11.30pm, and reached home at around 12.30am.. i was about to fall asleep at that time, but yayang gave me a heads-up by calling me and i had let them in the house.. borak2 skejap, then i excused myself to go to bed.. yayang joined me about 20mins later..

sunday: got up at 7-ish, got ready, went to work.. awal plak sampai.. well actually, i should be there 1 hour before call time to get my hair n makeup done.. but i'm usually late anyway, so when i'm on time kira awal la.. hehe.. had a light breakfast at home, so my tummy was kinda grumbling.. in fact, during the night, yayang n i had both got up to go to the loo and purged (sorry!).. but.. i had decided to wait for lunch lah.. kalu ikutkan hati, memang nak malantak aje, but control...!! Then, what should have been at 10am (call time), became 10.30am.. so kena tunggu jek la.. after that, barula gi buat shoot.. kt BTS - again! it was alright.. not as quick as i'd like it to be.. but not draggy, too.. then again, agak delayed coz of some 'technical' difficulties.. balik ofis after that n went to the canteen for lunch, but the rice had run out and they were making a new batch.. i decided to solat first lah.. nanti lambat lak siap.. so, had to take about 15mins to clean my face (t.v make up is, like, 3 inches thick, mind you!), 15mins to solat, then more than 20mins to redo my make up for the next shoot.. pastu trus gi keje! no time to eat! huwaa... starving!! wut to do? work is work, and time is running..! recorded the next segment, isi perut ngn milo n ice-cream courtesy of the sponsor (x filling langsung!), then balik ofis balik.. washed off my make-up again, solat asar, then maghrib trus (about 10mins interval), then make-up lagi skalik.. then off to work again! still no makan!! i felt faint, but i soldiered on.. xedot sorta knew that i hadn't eaten anything the whole day, so she had bought me a huge slice of modesto's chicken peperoni pizza.. alhamdulillah! rezeki!! i wolfed it down but still stopped to offer a bite to the rest.. oh! forgot to mention.. there was this lil' girl (9 years - not so little la..), a child of ain's fren.. she was featured in the prog and was shooting wit us from BTS.. thing is, kt sana she had asked for ice-cream.. ok... then i bought some corn in a cup.. she had some ('a lotta some') too.. then, tak taula dia mkn tghari ke dak, coz i sure didn't! and my pizza? well, she happily 'shared' it wit me! besides that, in between, she had requested for 'some stuff' until the rest had become irritated! kesian pulak.. but really.. meminta2 is not good, is it?! on the way back to the ofis, (i was half unconscious by this time - due to no food, no energy, and just tired from working all day!) we singgah drive-thru mcD coz the lil' one had to eat.. i pun tumpang sekaki.. ehehee.. bubur regular.. sampai ofis, buang make-up, cuci muka, then gerak.. yayang had smsed me earlier n told me to balik umah trus lps shoot.. it was already 10pm plus.. i pictured him tertidur kat sofa wit the tv still on, waiting up for me, n not realizing i had come in the front door.. then i'd trus lay beside him n wake him up and.. 'greet' him.. hehehe.. well, a different scenario occured instead.. i reached our house, n his car wasn't there! "x balik from hospital lagi?".. then abah opened the door, and told me he was staying at the hospital wit mak that night.. the next day he'd be going straight to kuala lipis n only comin back on wednesday.. i was on the verge of bursting into tears!! so i said gud nite to abah, n went straight up to our room, and found a 'cold' note from yayang telling me what abah has told me and 'instructing' me to jaga abah n tok ba'ah (who came wit along earlier in the afternoon) and his clothes..?!? no sayang2 or wut not.. so sad!! he was kinda pissed that he couldn't find his clothes to pack up to go to lipis.. i guess i have to be the one to take the blame, since the husband's clothes (n lain2) have to be 'jaga' oleh isteri.. so, yes, i cried while eating my bubur (perut kena isi gak!).. then called yayang and spoke to him for a bit.. couldn't speak much since he was at the hospital and it was 12am.. hung up and cried some more till i fell asleep..

now, now aerin.. dun get too emotional! yayang tuh tgh susah hati dgn mak.. so xyah la nak mengade2 nak manja2 n syg2 ngn yayg dlm saat yg genting nih! --> i told myself this, n toughened up a bit through these tough times...

gawd!! is my blog boring? org lain punye best je baca.. x pelah.. like the title says 'nothing interesting, really..'!! nanti sambung lagi.. panjang n boring sgt dah entry nih!

reflections..

Eh..??!!! After rereading my previous post, I noticed that I have mentioned that I have a husband (my "yayang"! ehehee..), and yet, I've only come to realize that I'm all grown up..? (ok, ok.. dah tua dah.. happy? :p) .. Apa, masa nak kawen and dah kawen tu tak rasa macam dah besor ke??
Hmm.. let me reflect ya.. I feel.. My responsibilities have increased and expanded, no doubt.. But maybe, I guess, it's 'cause people around me keep telling me to "grow up" some more makes me think that maybe I'm just not matured enough? Well.. life is a neverending journey of knowledge, I say.. So I pretty much have a lifetime to 'mature'.. Whatever...

So.. 'twas my birthday yesterday.. Mak was admitted into the hospital 'cause the doctors wanted to monitor her condition since she's down with a slight fever.. Therefore, no celebration for me.. Not that I was expecting any.. But, it would've been nice to be surprised with something.. anything at all.. No big deal-lah.. Yayang was extremely busy with work yesterday, I know and uderstand.. Plus, with Mak some more.. I'm totally cool! Just reflecting..

Before this, I was almost always so kecoh-kecoh about my birthday.. or to be more exact, I would somehow make others go kecoh-kecoh for me! I mean, takkanla nak hebahkan kat org birthday kite sendirik kan..? So.. just let a few friends know.. then they'll do all the work for you! hehehe..!! When I was younger even, my family would organize a birthday party for me.. be it big or small.. there would always be a celebration.. There'd always be presents.. I think that's the best part, not because of the receiving, but because it's a sign that the sender has been thinking about you.. (although they may have been 'forced' to think about you!)

This morning when I was heading out to work, barula perasan, ada kad bday yayang kasik taruk kat dlm keta.. hoh! Surprised gak! He wrote and said that even though it may be a bit late, we should still celebrate my birthday.. so we might be going out 'lancing' (as I like to call it) tonight! Hmm.. I think I should go and get my legs and underarms waxed..

Hope mak is recovering well..

Laters

finally...!

Finally!! My very own blog!!!
After reading several people's blogs, which had sparked an interest in me to write up my own blog - for about 10 months now! - at last, my desire is now satisfied..
But..!! Knowing me.. I can only hope that this blog of mine will last in an effort to 'enhance' my writing skills - if there is any to begin with! Ehehee..

Wokeh,
'nuf wit the intro..

Well... tis my bday today! I am officially 28 years of age on this very day.. sigh..
I never minded growing older before.. This was because people would tend to tell me that I looked young for my age.. hehe .. I used to like getting surprised reactions when I'd tell people my actual age.. *blush*

but now.. The surprised reactions are getting lesser and the number (of years of living in this world) is growing bigger!! Aiyak!! Yes.. finally, I have come to the realization that I am a grown woman, and should think and behave as a grown woman should..

Gosh.. after 28 years, baru nak fikir mcm tuh??!!! Most people would think that way when they are at least 20 years old probably.. Well, what can I say? I'm 'young at heart'!

One of the things that's made me realize how 'grown up' i've become.. is the lessened anticipation and expectation for what i used to regard as 'my big day' kononnye.. In fact, I actually almost forgot all about it! However not.. with the passing of the Holy month of Ramadhan, Hari Raya, my new baby niece, my masters programme application, work, and.. mak's condition..

Yes, my mak.. is actually my mother-in-law, or my husband's (i'll be referring to him as 'yayang' from here onwards.. hey! it's my blog! 'like my heart-lah'!!) most beloved mother. Mak has been suffering from cancer for about two years now..? She's 59, but looks and moves around like 90 maybe.. due to her treatments for the disease.. Just you imagine, if the same kind of treatments could deteriorate the well-being of a youthful person, then how could an elderly person cope with it?

My only hope is that Allah kasihankan mak, tenangkan dan bahagiakan mak.. serta dipeliharanya di dalam rahmatNya sentiasa.. amin!

Guess that'll be all that i pen down for now..
But, InsyaALLAH, there'll be more to come..!
chiows