AN AWAKENING..

The first time I ever became an Imam was when I was in form 5 (I think)..
I was staying in a boarding house and it was compulsory to perfom the maghrib prayers in berjemaah.. The rule was to have 1 representative from each dorm (there weren't many.. just about 7 maybe, if i remember correctly..) to Imam and another to be the bilal..

I like to sembahyang berjemaah.. I really don't mind it if the Imam reads a really long surah and zikir beribu kali.. I like it.. rasa macam Tuhan tu betul2 dekat and dengar and terima solat tuh (insyaAllah!).. tak taulah.. as they say, 'the more the merrier', I guess..

Well then.. there was this one time that it just so happened to be my dorm's turn to have a representative to lead the hostel in maghrib prayers.. as usual, I was early to await the solat jemaah.. and I was the only one from my dorm that was there at the time... gulp!!!

So.. anxiously, I took my position at the front of the pack.. and became the Imamah.. Part of the reason that I 'so willingly' took on the role was because I noticed that there weren't many jemaah that particular day.. period maybe, or just plain lazy to jemaah (even though it's considered a 'ruling', quite a number of students don't adhere to it!)..

However.. as we were doing the final sujud before the tahiyyat akhir, someone who had just walked into the surau had spoken aloud, "girls! sembahyang nampak kaki!".. aiyak! it was me! THE IMAM!.. But I finished off the solat (duduk tahiyyat akhir dengan meng'adjust'kan kain supaya tutup kakiku semula.. cover line!), and got the bilal to read the do'a lepas sembahyang, which I didn't memorize (and still haven't memorized! Dushh..! *ketuk kepala sendiri!).. I was told that the girl who had spoken aloud had been told off by a senior who had said not to speak it out loud, no less than to menggugat kekhusyukan jemaah.. Whatever it is.. I SHALL BEAR THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS.. ketidak terimaan solat makmum dipikul saya.. MOGA ALLAH MENGAMPUNI DOSA SAYA... dan juga makmum saya...

Berat tau, tanggungjawab Iman, ketua, etc.. They are the ones who lead and if they lead wrongly, then they are the ones questionable first and foremost.. That was the ONLY time I was ever an Imam!

Currently, my Mak's situation is rather grave.. because of the treatments on her body, she can't walk on her own or even move around much.. and because of the treatments on her brain, she's not only losing her coordination, but also her memory.. She might not remember the sequence of wudhu' and she could forget the surahs in prayer.. Therefore, it would be better for her (and the whole household, too) to sembahyang berjemaah.. My sis-in-law would take turns with my maid or yayang to Imamkan Mak.. but not 'tudungless' me.. Last night, Yayang came home late.. Kak Nom and Siti were both 'on leave'.. so who was left to Imam Mak? Aiyakkk....!!!

Since 'hope' rested on me, I took on the post. Maghrib, Isya', AND subuh (Yayang bangun lambat, kelam kabut nak siap gi ofis!)..

Have to brush up on my surahs....

fuhh..!

wahlauwey..!!



the M-monster is way too overpowering!

sheeshh..

see, the thing with me is.. i've gotta WAIT to do something..

in other words.. PROCRASTINATE.. tsk! tsk! not good.. not good at all!!

coz when you wait.. time passes you by.. and you miss the opportunity to do what it was you intended to do in the beginning.. you follow?

well, that's just me being me again.. my reason for PROCRASTINATING is that i'd like to think that when 'the moment' arrives.. i should be able to do it PERFECTLY..!

yes.. a perfectionist, i am.. well, yeah.. nobody's PERFECT.. but i like to think that i do things to the utmost best of my own ability.. in other words.. as PERFECTLY as i can..! and gawd.. it's hard!! i can be my own worst critic, i tell ya..

when i was in school.. i used to tear out the pages when i thought my handwriting was messy or when i thought that it just wasn't neat enough!! my exercise books used to get soo uberly thin! other than that, i used to redo my work over and over again just to satisfy myself.. in uni, my friends would breeze through doing assignments.. but not me.. i had to go through sleepless nights and dictionaries AND thesauruses and everything else just to please myself.. not that i got excellent grades everytime.. IT WAS ALL JUST TO FULFILL MY NEED OF BEING.. PERFECT?

but.. nobody IS perfect.. so why do we try, huh?

of course.. it's coz we like to get praises for a job well done.. and when i say 'well done', i mean 'done well' or BREAKING MY BACK AND ALMOST LOSING MY MIND TO GET IT PURRFECTT!!

gawd.. i know, something is obviously wrong with me..

kantoi..!

oh gawd..!

i've been discovered!

by gie..! sheeett!

shy la!

am only just starting to loosen up and shake off the rust..!

aiya.. uwekk!

100%

eerrrkkkk..!
i've got the 'bloggers' block! or.. is it just the M-monster in me taking over.. (M for MALAS!!)?

my head is on the verge of going mental again la..

insignificant things.. things that i should SO not be bothered about..

insecurity.. doubt.. worry.. jealousy..??!!!

gawd.. i just can't deal with this anymore!!!

TGIF!

Mak's gonna be discharged today.. hope she recuperates well at our home..

Pot-luck at office means free flow of food n drinks! Yeehaa!! Dapatkan segera! Sementara stock masih ada..!! Ehehee..

Hmm.. serious, tak sangka my bday has passed.. 1 week dah.. tak rasa apa2 pun..?!? kinda sad.. with everything that's going on around us.. my 'big day' didn't really bring much meaning to anyone.. oh well.. that's the kid in me again.. dwelling on the little things.. i should stop doing that, and start to think seriously about the bigger n more important things in life right now!

Yes, we didn't go 'lancing' last friday.. after work, yayg's office held a raya dinner party, which i was invited to.. came back home at around 11pm.. and went 'lancing' in our dreams.. zzzz...

I think yayg is totally preoccupied with Mak and work.. it's not his fault.. still sorta sad tho.. like i said, my bday doesn't really mean anything to anyone but me i guess.. mmg mcm tuh ke? guess i just have to get used to it..

Last year.. no celebration or anything as well.. but yayang surprised me thoroughly with a bouquet of red roses delivered to my office!! never in my life have i been so pleasantly surprised!! then we went for dinner at secret recipe and i had a slice of cake.. i used to always say, "it's not a movie without popcorn, and not a birthday witout a cake.." Well, i had had my cake on monday the 6th.. double celebration with humairah.. but that was a double celebration! i want my own!! hehehe..

Last sunday's shoot.. the third one done at night.. was at this party shop.. and they had all sorts of party stuff.. banners, posters, signs, games, costumes, deco, cutlery.. u name it, they'll have it (probably!).. there were also some badges that read "It's My Birthday!".. sebak jek tengok sume benda2 tuh..

So.. this is it.. no more talk about an insignificant day that's passed already..

Till next year.. sighh..

clomid headache?

My sis-in-law had recommended me to see her doc, just a normal doc not a gynae specialist or anything, for a 'consultation'.. on clomid, to be exact..

So since I finished work REAL late on sunday, and I had to see to Abah and Tok Ba'ah since they were staying with me, plus yayang was away.. I decided to take monday off.. (macamla ofis tuh bapak aku punye, suke2 je nak 'take the day off'!).. We went to the hospital at around 9am.. after I had gone to the 'wet' market all by myself picking out 'barang2 basah' for the first time in my life!! When we reached the hospital, KakNom was already there.. landed from her 20hour flight from new york at 6am and sent straight to see Mak by her in-laws.. plus, my yayang had not left yet for work! My heart just went berbunga2 to get to see him before he'd leave for two nights! But, on the other hand, seeing mak's condition unchanged had cut my blooms short (is there such a saying?? Oh well, there's the poet in me!).. and it pained me so to see yayang burst into tears when he salam and cium mak before he left.. I can only be his pillar of strength.. eventhough this pillar may not be so strong itself..

So that afternoon.. 'askar jepun' ada mari.. and I told this fact sadly to my sis-in-law, who said I should go and see her doc.. It's primetime.. for clomid!! We'll see how it goes.. fingers crossed!

On Tuesday, I got an MC from KakHik's doc the day before, so I took Abah and Tok Ba'ah to the hospital once more.. Abah then went out with Abg Akim, and I left for home with Tok Ba'ah in tow.. That afternoon, surprise! surprise! Yayang balik!! yayy!!! I was jumping up and down only to realize that Tok Ba'ah was watching me! malu je.. *blush* .. mcm budak kecik! ha, see! there you go!! matured ke macam tuh??

ehehee..

c'est moi..

halu..! it's been four days since my last update.. well, when i'm away from the office, it means that i'm away from the internet too! after all, i have so much other things to do as compared to when i'm 'working' in the office.. heheh!

anyway.. here's a recap of what's happened the past four days..

saturday: after breakfast (at around 9am), we went to the hospital to visit mak who was at that time still rather weak.. we were all dressed up to attend acer n su'ai's wedding in ampangan straight after.. after the wedding, we went to ju's place for her open house and jumpa la all the sedare2 who were from makandak's open house.. then we came back to the hospital.. yayang wanted to wait for abah, who was on the way wit abg beka n anim, so he had 'instructed' me to return home first, wit siti, to get some rest as i'd be working the next day.. abah arrived at the hospital at around 11.30pm, and reached home at around 12.30am.. i was about to fall asleep at that time, but yayang gave me a heads-up by calling me and i had let them in the house.. borak2 skejap, then i excused myself to go to bed.. yayang joined me about 20mins later..

sunday: got up at 7-ish, got ready, went to work.. awal plak sampai.. well actually, i should be there 1 hour before call time to get my hair n makeup done.. but i'm usually late anyway, so when i'm on time kira awal la.. hehe.. had a light breakfast at home, so my tummy was kinda grumbling.. in fact, during the night, yayang n i had both got up to go to the loo and purged (sorry!).. but.. i had decided to wait for lunch lah.. kalu ikutkan hati, memang nak malantak aje, but control...!! Then, what should have been at 10am (call time), became 10.30am.. so kena tunggu jek la.. after that, barula gi buat shoot.. kt BTS - again! it was alright.. not as quick as i'd like it to be.. but not draggy, too.. then again, agak delayed coz of some 'technical' difficulties.. balik ofis after that n went to the canteen for lunch, but the rice had run out and they were making a new batch.. i decided to solat first lah.. nanti lambat lak siap.. so, had to take about 15mins to clean my face (t.v make up is, like, 3 inches thick, mind you!), 15mins to solat, then more than 20mins to redo my make up for the next shoot.. pastu trus gi keje! no time to eat! huwaa... starving!! wut to do? work is work, and time is running..! recorded the next segment, isi perut ngn milo n ice-cream courtesy of the sponsor (x filling langsung!), then balik ofis balik.. washed off my make-up again, solat asar, then maghrib trus (about 10mins interval), then make-up lagi skalik.. then off to work again! still no makan!! i felt faint, but i soldiered on.. xedot sorta knew that i hadn't eaten anything the whole day, so she had bought me a huge slice of modesto's chicken peperoni pizza.. alhamdulillah! rezeki!! i wolfed it down but still stopped to offer a bite to the rest.. oh! forgot to mention.. there was this lil' girl (9 years - not so little la..), a child of ain's fren.. she was featured in the prog and was shooting wit us from BTS.. thing is, kt sana she had asked for ice-cream.. ok... then i bought some corn in a cup.. she had some ('a lotta some') too.. then, tak taula dia mkn tghari ke dak, coz i sure didn't! and my pizza? well, she happily 'shared' it wit me! besides that, in between, she had requested for 'some stuff' until the rest had become irritated! kesian pulak.. but really.. meminta2 is not good, is it?! on the way back to the ofis, (i was half unconscious by this time - due to no food, no energy, and just tired from working all day!) we singgah drive-thru mcD coz the lil' one had to eat.. i pun tumpang sekaki.. ehehee.. bubur regular.. sampai ofis, buang make-up, cuci muka, then gerak.. yayang had smsed me earlier n told me to balik umah trus lps shoot.. it was already 10pm plus.. i pictured him tertidur kat sofa wit the tv still on, waiting up for me, n not realizing i had come in the front door.. then i'd trus lay beside him n wake him up and.. 'greet' him.. hehehe.. well, a different scenario occured instead.. i reached our house, n his car wasn't there! "x balik from hospital lagi?".. then abah opened the door, and told me he was staying at the hospital wit mak that night.. the next day he'd be going straight to kuala lipis n only comin back on wednesday.. i was on the verge of bursting into tears!! so i said gud nite to abah, n went straight up to our room, and found a 'cold' note from yayang telling me what abah has told me and 'instructing' me to jaga abah n tok ba'ah (who came wit along earlier in the afternoon) and his clothes..?!? no sayang2 or wut not.. so sad!! he was kinda pissed that he couldn't find his clothes to pack up to go to lipis.. i guess i have to be the one to take the blame, since the husband's clothes (n lain2) have to be 'jaga' oleh isteri.. so, yes, i cried while eating my bubur (perut kena isi gak!).. then called yayang and spoke to him for a bit.. couldn't speak much since he was at the hospital and it was 12am.. hung up and cried some more till i fell asleep..

now, now aerin.. dun get too emotional! yayang tuh tgh susah hati dgn mak.. so xyah la nak mengade2 nak manja2 n syg2 ngn yayg dlm saat yg genting nih! --> i told myself this, n toughened up a bit through these tough times...

gawd!! is my blog boring? org lain punye best je baca.. x pelah.. like the title says 'nothing interesting, really..'!! nanti sambung lagi.. panjang n boring sgt dah entry nih!